So, you want to get a puppy. A tiny little doggy with soft eyes and floppy ears and little rolls of puppy fat and a whole lot of skin to grow in to. Everyone has told you that puppies are hard work, you know they’re hard work because you’ve read everything you can find and you’re totally prepared for this.
NO, YOU ARE NOT. Nothing can possibly prepare you for the tiny, chewy, poopy, sheddy, barky whirlwind that you’re about to invite into your home for the next 15 years.
Here’s some stuff you can do to prepare:
1) Teething: get a saw and head to your skirting boards. Lop off 3 – 5cm bits of the skirting boards, particularly the pointy bits on the corners. Ensure you make as much mess as possible and try not to leave a smooth surface that you can easily paint over. When you’re done, take a fork and stab around the area. Make sure you do the same to any other bits of wooden furniture in the house – bookshelves, sideboards and cabinets are all good places to start. You have now experienced the first couple of days of teething.
2) Tantrums: puppies have tantrums when they’re overtired and it’s easy to let them get overtired, especially in the first few weeks while you’re getting used to each other. To prepare for this, have a look on YouTube and find a complication of orcs feeding on pigs and seagulls. Don’t worry, you don’t have to watch it. Play it as loud as you possibly can, preferably through a house-wide Sonos system, for roughly 30 minutes at least twice a day.
3) Shredding: shredding is the best game ever and you can play it too! Find a corner of your carpet and gently peel it up. Take a pair of scissors and snip off a large part of the underlayer. Cut some fronds into the carpet and then blitz the underlayer in a blender for a minute. For extra credit, throw in a pair of your pants and a sock. Now, scatter the mixture around the carpet. See, loads of fun! Also, set up a shredder under your postbox. When a letter comes in, run it through the shredder. Then, pick out the pieces and try to glue them back together so you can read the letter.
4) Digging and general garden stuff: firstly just go ahead and spray weed killer on your lawn in a rough polka dot pattern. Next, get a large serving spoon and start digging a hole with it in your favourite flower bed. Make sure you spread the soil unevenly around the garden, preferably on parts of the lawn you haven’t just sprayed with weed killer. For good measure, bury a dried pig’s ear and water it well. In a week, dig it up and place it in the sofa. Be sure to spread soil into the sofa too.
Despite all of this though, your tiny, poopy, shreddy puppy will bring you endless hours of fun (when they’re not making you cry) and who can resist those eyes anyway?